Jan 11, 2012

The truth hurts...but it's good to be honest!

I am a married, 27 year old mother of two beautiful children and often I feel that I do not know my own self-worth.  I take really good care of my children and my husband.  I maintain a clean house.  I am also a College student.  My grades could be higher and I am going to give it my all this coming semester.  I slacked the past two semesters.  I am very critical of myself, more critical that I let on.  Most people that know me and I mean really know me do not know how critical I am of myself.  I am hard on myself.  In a sense, it drives me to be and do better…but it is also a curse.  I am crying as I type this. 

I was raised my loving parents.  My father was an alcoholic.  After "x" amount of drinks he would become mean.  In my early teenage years (13), I would defend my family when he was mean to them.  This made me a target.  At 13 I had bad acne…really bad acne.  I saw several dermatologists and tried several different medications and treatments.  I was very self-conscious due to my acne.  My father and brothers would tease me about it.  When my father reached his “x” amount of drinks, he would say very cruel things to me.  “You’re never going to be good enough.”  “No one will ever want to marry you.”  “You’re ugly.”  “You have pimples.”  These are just a few examples of the cut-downs I grew up hearing.  Needless to say, I grew up not knowing my own self-worth.  I always felt like I was never going to be good enough.  I spent a lot of time crying.  I did not really get close to anyone, because every time I made a close friend, they would move away.  Eventually my father got help and detoxed.  He became a much nicer person and made amends.  He did start drinking again, but was not mean like he used to be.  I love him; I lived with him after he went to rehab.  He cried and apologized to me and I forgave him.  He passed away in 2004 due to his alcohol addiction.  I miss him very much. 

Although I miss him and forgave him, it is hard to forget the things that were said.  My skin eventually cleared up, but the scars remain.  Some are in fact acne scars and others are deep scars inside me.  I grew up much faster that I was supposed to.  I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Attacks which I attribute to my childhood.  I have researched the disorder extensively and found that many people with the disorder had childhoods similar to mine.  I finally gave it last year and started taking medication and it has helped a lot. 

I recently got married to my love.  We have been together for five years and have two beautiful children together.  We got married in October.  He has been depressed for a while now, before our marriage.  He is unhappy with his job and financially stressed.  I have been looking for work and have an interview this Friday, yay!  His depression is beginning to take a toll on me though.  I miss him, the real him and I do not know how to get him back.  He constantly complains about his job, but does not actively look for a new job.  When I find jobs, he says “that will not pay enough”…even though the salary is not listed.  He is constantly complaining about everything and anything.  Our sex life has completely deteriorated which makes me feel horrible.  It’s not just about the sex, it’s affection in general.  I miss it and I need it.  I have tried to talk to him about it and I feel that it is always an excuse.  When I was a smoker, he would say well when you quit smoking.  I quit two years ago.  Well when you get on birth control…I have been on birth control for three months now.  I have been very supportive of him through this tough time.  I have tried to find him a counselor, but he needs to call the insurance company to get a list of them (the website is not accurate) and I cannot do it for him…but he won’t.  He went to his Dr. and they prescribed him anti-depressants which he took for a week and did not like the way they made him feel.  He stopped taking them, but does not do the natural things that help reduce stress like exercise.  It is hard being with someone who is sad all the time, especially when there is nothing that I can do about it.  I understand that these things take time, but it has been going on for over six months now.  We are newly-weds!  I want affection and sex and to feel like I am loved…but I do not. 

I am sad.  I do not feel like I am attractive.  I feel like there is something wrong with me.  Yes, I wear pajamas a lot because I am at the house with the kids, but also because I do not have many jeans.  I cannot afford to go shopping right now.  I was a size 0 pre-pregnancy (I was too skinny and was always trying to gain weight).  After I had my daughter (my second child) I suddenly had a butt (I do like having a butt).  I am now a size 7, which I do not consider large.  I am about 5 pounds heavier than what I should weigh based on my height.  Yes, I need to work-out and I know it will help me feel better about myself.  However, I cannot afford a gym membership right now and I do not have anyone to work out with and I need some motivation.  I am still crying as I type. 

I just wonder if things will ever return to “normal”.  I miss feeling good about myself.  I miss feeling like I actually matter to someone.  I miss feeling loved.  I miss affection.  I miss sex.  I miss my other half.  Truth be told, I miss me.

Kathleen Signature


  1. U should feel proud of yourself after all u been through and accomplishing why some people never get to. Good Luck and enjoy your life!!!

  2. oh, Kathleen, this makes me sad. I feel so bad for you--and, unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions. I don't have experience with the issues you've mentioned above.
    It surprised me to read some of this (some I already knew from a previous post). I think you are so beautiful, it's hard for me to imagine you struggle with self-image.
    I'll keep your family in my prayers. I was excited & happy for you as your wedding day approached...what a cruel twist of fate--that while you should still be celebrating your honeymoon period, your relationship has been strained.
    Hoping the best for you ;)

  3. ohhh Kathleen how my life rings the paralells of yours. I too grew up with an alcoholic parent, and grand parent for that matter. My boyfriend, of almost 5 years, has every excuse in the book for not wanting to finally settle down. Every excuse that stems from his depression. A problem he knows he has, he knows he needs help with, yet refuses to go get help, and resorts to 4 beers a night to "remedy" his problem. Sometimes these 4 beers make him nice.. other nights he can be (forgive me) a prick bastard. I feel for you I do, I'm at my wits end. It does take a toll on someone to not feel wanted or loved.. even though in your heart you know you are, the actions are not there to show it. Actions speak louder than words as I always say to him.... what are my choices? What can I do? I can't help someone who won't help himself, I keep reminding him of that. This roller coaster of a ride is making me sick, I want to puke, yet I do not want to get off.. because I do see the good and the big loving heart in him that I don't want to walk away or leave. So I stay.. and he strays away and comes back, all because of this depression he has. He has xanax for it, but he only takes them when he is about to lose his mind at work. I'm with you.. I'm on your side, we can be here for each other!!

    As for the no money for a gym membership.. you don't need a gym membership! Do you have a game console? Those work out games now are just as good if not better than any gym membership you could get! Some even come with work out bands and weights. Get the kids involved too, they could have fun with it all. You do a lot of contests, aim your goals on those work out games and a console! You won't regret it, it will make you happy (trust me I have a kinect and that thing kicks my butt day after day with the movements). If you want send me a DM on Twitter.. I'll send you the link to my personal FB page, we can be friends! we all need to stick together! UnKatchable73

  4. Oh Sweetie - I wish I were there to give you really big hugs. Wow - where to begin responding. I give you huge amount of credit for writing it and can't believe how strong you are (to post this for others to see). I think you need to see a therapist to help you thru this. I'm concerned for you - you have taken abuse in the past which generally means you'll take it again and I'm praying that it doesn't get that way with your husband (or has it???) Yes, he needs help but he has to want to be helped - sadly you can't force it on someone. Your children need you - please consider going for help. Regarding excerise - I find that long walks help me cope with stress and help stay in shape. Get the kids involved and walk with them - make it a "bonding' time - or bike ride if weather permits. Even something as simply as ice skating with them might help. Depression is not to be taken lightly and I worry he will "self medicate" - I'm here to talk anytime you want @treetrout1

  5. Kathleen..
    My heart breaks for you reading this. I am sure it took a lot of courage for you to talk publicly about your life on your blog. I wish I had the right words to say to make everything better for you. I want you to know you are most definitely not alone. We ALL have things in our lives that we struggle with and some of us aren't as brave as you to share. I know I sometimes think I am the only one dealing with certain issues but reading your post makes me know that isn't true. I really hope you get the job you are interviewing for and I hope your husband can also find a job that makes him feel better about himself and helps with his depression and in turn will make him more like the person he once was. Please dm me or fbook message me anytime you need to hear a friendly voice. I pray things will turn around!

  6. @Debbie I have been to a therapist before. She has helped me a lot, she wanted me to write about it, but I never did until now. My husband is not at all abusive, he is very kind hearted. He is just depressed and needs help.

  7. You situation sounds very similar to mine (both past and present). I wish we lived near each other so we could hang out and talk about our problems face to face. I had a rough childhood and started off on a rough path during my teenage years and I was actually a teen mom. I straightened my life up and met a good man and have a decent career but I just feel numb all the time. My boyfriend of 11 years recently became depressed almost a year ago and he has not been able to snap out of it on his own. It's very hard living with a depressed person. They don't try to but they always make you feel worse (especially if you tend to be a depressed person yourself-like myself).

    I do know what you're going through. And it's okay to cry. I think it helps to cry. I cry a lot BTW. I'm a depressed, bitter, down and out person and I hate feeling this way. I'd like to chat with you more via email as I think we could be of some help to each other. I remember you helping me out once because of a nice comment you left on one of my posts (below). We seem to have a lot of the same problems. I believe I have your email where you've won a giveway of mine and if you don't mind I'll email you soon (today or tomorrow). : )


  8. Wow-thanks for sharing-You are normal, we all have ghosts in our closets.

  9. Hi, Kathleen,
    I am so sad to read this post. Hugs to you first of all. Too bad we don't live closer. You should be proud of yourself for posting this, as I cannot imagine the courage it must have taken.
    From seeing your pictures, I am surprised to hear the self image you struggle with. I think you are so beautiful (not just outside, but inside as well).
    I am sorry to hear about everything you had to go through with your father. I did not have an alcoholic dad, but one that still to this day struggles with obsessive compulsivity and needs to control everything in his life. That was very difficult, and I too think that a lot of the way that he was, is why I am the way that I am. I have a masters degree in education, but couldn't teach anymore because I was way too hard on myself and couldn't balance everything in my life at one time and do it well enough to my standards without taking a toll on my emotional well being and personal life. I always thought it was everyone else putting pressure on me, and it wasn't until my 30's that I realized it came from me (sometimes I too am my own worst enemy). There are definitely good things to pushing yourself, just as long as you keep it in moderation.
    I saw your wedding pictures, and they are just gorgeous. I never would have guessed that things are the way they are for you right now, and that makes me sad. I will keep you, and your husband and family in my thoughts and prayers. I know it sounds very cliche, but I do know from personal experience that prayer changes things.
    As for your husband, I know that it is very hard to change someone if they don't do anything to change themselves. Just don't let it define who you are (easier said than done).
    I am with the others that have mentioned free/cheap ways to exercise aside from a gym membership. I like to get outside and walk/jog with my stroller when the weather cooperates. Also like Kathy mentioned, the xbox kinect is great. I have one that we got last year from Christmas, and there are so many fun games we play as a family that provide exercise for us all.
    There are several contests I have seen for xboxes, so you should definitely try for one. ;)
    I know what it is like to be a momma, and always put everyone first other than yourself, but just remember if momma isn't happy sometimes it takes its toll on everyone. Just try to celebrate all of the good things like your beautiful children. You are a beautiful person, and I am going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers as I mentioned. I know we don't know each other aside from twitter, but I am here. You can even DM me and exchange phone numbers if you just need to talk. I know sometimes, I am just looking for someone to listen, and not really looking for advice, so if you need to vent I am here (and I really do mean that!!!)
    Okay, sorry for the book. Lots of hugs. Hang in there. Things will get better, I know it!


  10. Also as side note, but have you tried yoga? I have a great dvd I could give you. Just DM me if you are interested and I will mail it out. Hugs.

  11. Okay, I promise this will truly be my last post, but as another side note, is there a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group in your are? You should look into it. There is one here that is great. I had to stop attending it though when my older daughter started kg b/c the drop off time conflicted with the schedule. Great way to meet other moms.

  12. I really feel for you, I cried as I read your story. I too am deeply depressed and am on several different meds. I think it would be best for you to tell him he needs to think of what this eventually will do to your children. As for you, you need to do what my psychiatrist tells me find an interest! Something to boost your mood, for starters I would if weather permits it start the day with a walk, check to see if theres a park nearby. Good place to meet other moms. I'm home alone everyday while my husband and daughter are working. I use to be a hairstylist but had to give it up after it took its toll on my back , I have degenerative collapsed discs in my back I take Morphine pills for the pain. Twitter is my only social life I live out in the county in Tx so I dont have any friends. Only been here 5yrs. Anytime you feel the need to talk with someone,I know you dont know me but I would love it if we could talk! Kim-@pookiekitty62

  13. Hi, First off Congrats on the interview!! Thats very exciting and you should feel proud! In our area we have one of the highest unemployment rates in FL. Getting an interview can be quite challenging and you have already gotten past that step! (here's where you pat yourself on the back or ask Bri and Riley!) Second I didn't realize that part of your childhood was filled with you being teased by your own family. Thats so sad and unfair, however I'm happy that your father apologized to you before his passing. I only hope that your brothers have also apologized, becuase I know how much you would do for them!

    I was going to ask you the other day how Greg was doing but I didnt want to be intrusive. I was hoping that after the holidays and him Skydiving things would be better. Kinda like a "Gregs been reborn/ He's got a new outlook on Life!" type of deal. What helps me is to write it all out, kinda like what you did here, however I write out list. I write Goal list, todo list, List of bills, Want list... Whatever list! Maybe for him a Fear list or Depression list or Worry list. He needs to get that head Cleared Out!!!! No body can be happy when the mind/brain is filled with Crap Thoughts. Oh back to the list, my lastest list has been called "Brain Clog"! I feel lighter, relaxed, calm when that list is done. Then you go back though an sort it out. Which of these thoughts are relevant, which are totally bull shit, and which can be worried about until later. He said once that when he was younger and life pissed him off he would run to the beach an sit on the lifeguard stand until dark. Sue would then pull up and tell him its time to go home. He said it helped clear his head. I have always been so jealous of your family. One, beacuse ya'll have been working to fix up your house. I feel like we never did much of anything to our house. Secondly ya'll always do so much as a family! The whole family goes shopping, you take the kids to the zoo, and the beach! I love your idea of family day. My weekends go more like ~its Adams day to go do whatever the hell he feels like an Jake and I will...sit at home.... However I now look and think the both of you need that separation time. Its great to do things together as a family, but you also need your me time. Look at a child they play with others and then sometimes they go off and play by themselves. Adults need to do the same thing. Thats why moms stay up late to get our me time. The house is quite, calm and all ours. Does Greg have that? Dont take offense, seriously does he get a few or even an hour of just him, not with the band, not with the family just him? And with your me time it needs to start being during the day time. So you dont have to be up so late! You state you want to start working out, your me time could be when Greg gets home you take a walk or a bike ride by yourself. Then when its family day you all take a bike ride!! It can rotate. When Greg gets home early you go first, then he goes the next time he comes home early then the whole family goes! You know I'm here for you girl! Call me up or tell us to come on over. We dont have too many more weeks before the kids are in school and we're back to work in offices or in my case somewhere really fun and cool! haha! Well Jake just destroyed the bathroom so I got to go! You know how to find us and we gonna get this fixed!

  14. You are so brave to bare your soul for all to see and read. I believe simply releasing your feelings and actually writing the words down can be really theraputic! You realize you miss you and just have to find the real you once again! You can and will do it, you just need to dig a little deeper. Wishing you luck! Tears can be good and cleansing too, much better than keeping them locked up inside and letting your sense of " dis ease " turn into real sickness and disease be it mental or physical ~ Stay strong ~ Everyone one says deep breathing is important, take in the oxygen and drink some herbal teas and maybe seek out some herbal feel good remedies? Exercise is supposed to help too...I should listen to my own advice!

  15. Kathleen:
    I want to give you a hug so badly.

    I would never have the guts to post what you wrote but as many others have wrote, our stories are similar.

    It may sound like a huge cliche, but things do get better. Take one day at a time. I wish I could share with you my story but this isn't the place (for safety reasons for myself). I am always on twitter so if you ever want to DM, feel free to say hi if you want to talk. (@davisesq212)

    When you start working, new avenues will start opening up. It does get better.

  16. Kathleen I am so sorry you are going thru all of this being a newlywed but it is not you it seems to be that you have yourself on track and now your husband is having some issues he really has to straighten them out and sometimes it just takes time. I am so proud of you on what you have accomplished in yourself and concentrate on your kids and making YOU happy. I have friends that have been in similar situations and it's not easy to have someone that has not been in the same situation understand completely on how you feel. You have a special place in my heart now and I do hope things get better with your husband. He needs to find what is actually bothering him and I am sure he wants to provide for you and your children and that could be what bothers him so. p.s a size 7 is awesome girlfriend! :) Keep thinking positive thoughts and just know things WILL get better. <3 HUGSSSSSSS