The truth hurts...but it's good to be honest!

I am a married, 27 year old mother of two beautiful children and often I feel that I do not know my own self-worth.  I take really good care of my children and my husband.  I maintain a clean house.  I am also a College student.  My grades could be higher and I am going to give it my all this coming semester.  I slacked the past two semesters.  I am very critical of myself, more critical that I let on.  Most people that know me and I mean really know me do not know how critical I am of myself.  I am hard on myself.  In a sense, it drives me to be and do better…but it is also a curse.  I am crying as I type this. 

I was raised my loving parents.  My father was an alcoholic.  After "x" amount of drinks he would become mean.  In my early teenage years (13), I would defend my family when he was mean to them.  This made me a target.  At 13 I had bad acne…really bad acne.  I saw several dermatologists and tried several different medications and treatments.  I was very self-conscious due to my acne.  My father and brothers would tease me about it.  When my father reached his “x” amount of drinks, he would say very cruel things to me.  “You’re never going to be good enough.”  “No one will ever want to marry you.”  “You’re ugly.”  “You have pimples.”  These are just a few examples of the cut-downs I grew up hearing.  Needless to say, I grew up not knowing my own self-worth.  I always felt like I was never going to be good enough.  I spent a lot of time crying.  I did not really get close to anyone, because every time I made a close friend, they would move away.  Eventually my father got help and detoxed.  He became a much nicer person and made amends.  He did start drinking again, but was not mean like he used to be.  I love him; I lived with him after he went to rehab.  He cried and apologized to me and I forgave him.  He passed away in 2004 due to his alcohol addiction.  I miss him very much. 

Although I miss him and forgave him, it is hard to forget the things that were said.  My skin eventually cleared up, but the scars remain.  Some are in fact acne scars and others are deep scars inside me.  I grew up much faster that I was supposed to.  I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Attacks which I attribute to my childhood.  I have researched the disorder extensively and found that many people with the disorder had childhoods similar to mine.  I finally gave it last year and started taking medication and it has helped a lot. 

I recently got married to my love.  We have been together for five years and have two beautiful children together.  We got married in October.  He has been depressed for a while now, before our marriage.  He is unhappy with his job and financially stressed.  I have been looking for work and have an interview this Friday, yay!  His depression is beginning to take a toll on me though.  I miss him, the real him and I do not know how to get him back.  He constantly complains about his job, but does not actively look for a new job.  When I find jobs, he says “that will not pay enough”…even though the salary is not listed.  He is constantly complaining about everything and anything.  Our sex life has completely deteriorated which makes me feel horrible.  It’s not just about the sex, it’s affection in general.  I miss it and I need it.  I have tried to talk to him about it and I feel that it is always an excuse.  When I was a smoker, he would say well when you quit smoking.  I quit two years ago.  Well when you get on birth control…I have been on birth control for three months now.  I have been very supportive of him through this tough time.  I have tried to find him a counselor, but he needs to call the insurance company to get a list of them (the website is not accurate) and I cannot do it for him…but he won’t.  He went to his Dr. and they prescribed him anti-depressants which he took for a week and did not like the way they made him feel.  He stopped taking them, but does not do the natural things that help reduce stress like exercise.  It is hard being with someone who is sad all the time, especially when there is nothing that I can do about it.  I understand that these things take time, but it has been going on for over six months now.  We are newly-weds!  I want affection and sex and to feel like I am loved…but I do not. 

I am sad.  I do not feel like I am attractive.  I feel like there is something wrong with me.  Yes, I wear pajamas a lot because I am at the house with the kids, but also because I do not have many jeans.  I cannot afford to go shopping right now.  I was a size 0 pre-pregnancy (I was too skinny and was always trying to gain weight).  After I had my daughter (my second child) I suddenly had a butt (I do like having a butt).  I am now a size 7, which I do not consider large.  I am about 5 pounds heavier than what I should weigh based on my height.  Yes, I need to work-out and I know it will help me feel better about myself.  However, I cannot afford a gym membership right now and I do not have anyone to work out with and I need some motivation.  I am still crying as I type. 

I just wonder if things will ever return to “normal”.  I miss feeling good about myself.  I miss feeling like I actually matter to someone.  I miss feeling loved.  I miss affection.  I miss sex.  I miss my other half.  Truth be told, I miss me.