A different side of me: Anxiety 411

This is me: I am a 26 year old mother of two beautiful children and I am engaged to a great guy. I love to laugh. I love to smile. I love cuddling with my fiance on the couch. I love tickling my children and hearing them laugh. I love the smell of fresh air. I love the sound of the waves crashing at the beach. I love when the night sky is loaded with beautiful sparkling stars. I love watching the sunset.

What you don't know about me is that I constantly worry. I suffer from a disorder called Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. It sucks and its debilitating. I was diagnosed with GAD and panic attacks at 19 years old. I had no clue what was going on with me and went to the hospital twice. I cried and cried because this was foreign to me. Finally, I went to a regular doctor and they diagnosed and explained the condition to me.

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is a pattern of frequent, constant worry and anxiety over many different activities and events. Generalized anxiety disorder has the following symptoms:
* Difficulty concentrating
* Difficulty controlling worry
* Excess anxiety and worry that is out of proportion to the situation most of the time
* Excessive sweating, palpitations, shortness of breath, and stomach/intestinal symptoms
* Fatigue
* Irritability
* Muscle tension -- shakiness, headaches
* Restlessness or feeling keyed up or "on the edge"
* Sleep disturbance (difficulty falling or staying asleep; or restless, unsatisfying sleep)

Panic attacks or Panic Disorder is defined as an anxiety disorder that causes repeated, unexpected attacks of intense fear. These attacks may last from minutes to hours.
Panic Disorder has the following symptoms:
With panic disorder, at least four of the following symptoms suddenly occur within 10 minutes. Attacks may be followed by at least 1 month of persistent fear of having another attack.
* Chest pain or discomfort
* Dizziness or faintness
* Fear of dying
* Fear of losing control
* Feeling of choking
* Feelings of detachment
* Feelings of unreality
* Nausea or upset stomach
* Numbness or tingling
* Palpitations or pounding heart
* Sensation of shortness of breath
* Sweating, chills, or hot flashes
* Trembling or shaking

I haven't ever been able to write about this disorder, mainly because of embarrassment. I do not drive because I am afraid that I will have a panic attack and be in a car by myself and freak out. I can drive if accompanied by someone else. It sucks because things that people without this disorder do on a regular basis (driving and going shopping for example) are things that a person with this disorder dreads or worries about. I personally worry about having a panic attack most of the time when going out. Granted, if I did, you probably wouldn't be able to tell. But I feel like you can tell.

I wanted to post this because I want people to understand and I want to finally accept my condition without being embarrassed about it. This is not something that I wanted or asked for. It sucks when people say "just get over it" or tell me that I am over-reacting. If I could "just get over it", I would have gotten over it a long time ago...it's just not that easy.

I had gone quite a while without having a panic attack. A few weeks ago, during exams, my anxiety kicked it and I had a few panic attacks. I am currently taking natural supplements to deal with the anxiety and I also have the generic form of Ativan that I can take on an as needed basis. I am going to talk to my doctor about going back on prescription medication. I think for the longest time, I didn't want to admit that I needed a prescription to cope with the disorder. I am finally trying to accept it for what it is, a disorder. I go to counseling and take action to help myself get better, but sometimes medication is needed to prevent future panic attacks.

My problem is that I will take a treatment (medication or therapy) and it will work and then I just stop because I think I am better. Then months later, its back and I basically start at square one all over again. I am finally accepting that I may have to be on medication to cope with the disorder. Many times, anxiety disorders are from a chemical imbalance in the brain caused by to too much or too little serotonin. That is where the medication helps.

Writing about this is very personal to me as I said before I have a difficult time discussing this disorder with friends and family so posting about it on my blog is a big step for me. I would love to hear your opinions, just please be nice!