One Haute Mommy: 2015

One Haute Mommy was created years ago with the purpose of reminding moms to take some time for themselves. One Haute Mommy was created to remind moms and all women that they are beautiful. One Haute Mommy was created as a reminder to myself that aside from motherhood I was still a woman and I was still beautiful. It was a reminder for me to take care of myself and be confident in my new journey of motherhood.

One Haute Mommy has been neglected for a few years. When I went back to work it was hard to keep up with this blog but I have really missed writing. Writing has always been a vent for me and by neglecting this blog, I was truly neglecting myself. However, tonight I feel the urge to write and I plan on continuing to write so brace yourself.

I have a confession to make...I ~~HATE~~ strongly dislike my body. I weigh more than I did in both pregnancies and I am not pregnant. I cannot stand looking in the mirror. I used to love clothes shopping and now it usually ends with me in tears. I dread going to social events and try hard to find flattering clothes. I was on vacation this week and did not take a single picture of myself because I ~~hate~~ cannot stand the way that I look right now. My wardrobe is predominantly black because it makes me look thinner although if you looked in my closet you may think I was a Gothic chic, haha!

The ironic part is that I spent my life being "too skinny." "Do you eat?" "Are you anorexic?" These are questions that I was routinely asked for the vast majority of my existance. I actually went on "weight gaining" diets trying to put on a few pounds. I weighed between 90 to 107lbs on average. 90lbs was at my worst after my father passed away, I was extremely depressed. I weighed 107lbs when I became pregnant with my son in 2007. After giving birth I went down to 102lbs. In 2009, I became pregnant with my daughter and once again bounced right back to my beginning weight. I kicked the nasty habit of smoking cigarettes for good in 2009 and put on a few needed pounds. I was happy. My pregnancy with my daughter gave me an ass which I never had and I got my tits back (I lost them after giving birth to my son, seriously).

In November of 2010, my anxiety became really bad and I finally agreed with my doctor and went on anti-anxiety medication. I went on Paxil 20mg. Within a few weeks, I was feeling great and the anxiety was under control. I began putting on a little bit of weight but I looked great.

I got married in October of 2011 and loved the way I looked. My arms needed some toning but nothing major. I weighed approximately 135lbs on my wedding day.

What I failed to notice was that I was gaining 10-15lbs a year since being on Paxil. In 2012 I decided to get off of Paxil because I felt that I had my anxiety under control. It is a non-narcotic medication so I just stopped taking it cold-turkey when my prescription ran out. Three days later I was at the doctors sobbing like a baby. I felt like my brain was zapping. I was nauseous and my anxiety was insanely high. I cried easily and felt dizzy all of the time. The doctor explained to me that even though Paxil is a non-narcotic medication, you have to taper off of it to avoid unwanted side effects. I resumed taking Paxil immediately and felt better a couple days later.

Fast forward to 2013. At this point I am weighing 145lbs and I start researching. I learn that Paxil effects the metabolism and causes weight gain on most people. I learn that Paxil effects cortisol levels which can cause sugar cravings which I have every evening. I decided to do a slow taper over the course of 3 months. It goes pretty well, a few side effects but nothing major. I take my last dose and I am doing good. I was up for promotion at this time and was stressed but handling it well. Two weeks after stopping Paxil completely and I became a mess. One big anxious and depressed mess. I took a leave of absence from my job to try and get myself under control. After being off the medication for one month I lose 15lbs without changing my diet or exercising. My evening sugar cravings are gone. My doctor put me on a new anxiety medication however, I react badly to it and end up back on Paxil.

Fast forward once again to today. I weigh 165lbs. I started this new journey at 169 lbs so a 4lb loss so far, woohoo! I am using an app called "MyFitnessPal" and am counting calories. I have a fitbit and keep track of my steps.

I have managed to taper to 10mg of Paxil from 20mg and remain at 10mg for a year with NO SIDE EFFECTS! Hallelujah! My goal is to reach 140lbs and then I will go from there. I am going to do a 10% taper off of Paxil. I will taper 10% of my current dose per month. At this rate it will take me over a year to be Paxil free but it is proven to work by tapering at this slow and steady pace.

I have started eating cleaner and am learning a little bit more each and everyday. I am trying to make healthier choices. For example ground turkey instead of ground beef. I was doing 30 minutes on my treadmill daily but stopped for a while. I plan on adding that back in to my daily schedule.

I really want to start taking Yoga classes to help with both the weight and anxiety but I am so nervous. I am really insecure with my appearance and my strength but I know that I need to suck it up and go.

So my plan is to write about my weight loss journey. I will post before and after pictures and share what is working for me as well as what isn't working. I will be brutally honest as usual.

A couple current pictures of me. I would love to post pics of myself in work-out clothes but I am not ready for that yet so these are my "before" pictures.